When I started my blog, I always knew that I wanted to write about my journey to motherhood. I knew deep down that my story was worth telling. Not because I'm a narcissus but because I was praying that my story could help someone else.
As women, regardless of how much you accomplish in your career, there is still the expectation that someday you will bear children or be a mother. There's also an assumption that getting pregnant is easy, and if you don't get pregnant quickly then that means you're not trying hard enough. Then you have the issue of people constantly asking you when you're going to get pregnant, who are unaware of the fact that you may be having difficulty. Lastly, you have the issue of people looking at you like you have a horrible disease when they find out you are having trouble getting pregnant. The most common question: "what's wrong with you?" Quite frankly it's grossly insensitive because 99% of the time it's directed at women, there's a lack of awareness of the emotional state of the person, and they may not want to discuss their issues with you. The biological process of getting pregnant is simple however sometimes everything does not work as it should.
Honestly, I contemplated not writing about my journey because you are trained to believe that pregnancy and more importantly fertility issues are very private and should never be shared with anyone except your partner or mother. Every person who I spoke with including those struggling with fertility themselves, always said sympathetically "I'm so sorry," despite my upbeat tone, and then promised to keep what I told them a secret even though I never asked them to. It was literally the first thing they said after I discussed my journey with them. I understand that they were being sympathetic and respecting my privacy but I wasn't depressed or embarrassed. I knew I didn't do anything wrong and that what was happening to me was completely out of my control. Yes I'm somewhat a private person but I wish that I had someone speaking out about the prevalence of fertility issues instead of feeling like I was the only woman going through it or that I should hide in the shadows.
I decided that instead of perpetuating the stigma I would speak about my challenges. I will spend the next few weeks walking you through my story.
Learning Something was Wrong
The questions about having children started the moment I got married, and it didn't help that I was about to turn 30. On my wedding day I was bombarded with questions primarily centered around producing miniature versions of my husband and I. We had been together so long and everyone especially our parents were dying to see us have children. We talked about it but we wanted to wait. As I have said in my previous posts, I'm an only child and not really a kids person so I wasn't pressed to get pregnant. We also wanted time to enjoy being married. But in February 2015 I started a journey that I will never forget.
After nearly 3 months of reckless behavior with my husband and there were no signs of pregnancy in the horizon, I made an appointment with my gynecologist. I wasn't necessarily trying to get pregnant but I wasn't preventing it either. After giving me a clean bill of health, she suggested that I go for a HSG test. She couldn't determine what was going on but she acted on a hunch. I didn't think anything of it and I went about my business like nothing was wrong. I went in for my procedure and I was unpleasantly surprised at how painful it was. I was certainly not prepared.
After getting dressed I waited on my results in the patient area. I only waited for about 10 minutes before the PA came over and asked me was I alone or was my husband in the lobby. I told her I'm alone and immediately asked her what's wrong. Her tone was very somber and somewhat remorseful. At this point, I thought she was about to tell me I'm dying. She sat down and began to explain the results of my X-ray. Somehow my Fallopian tubes were dilated and blocked, preventing me from getting pregnant. Honestly, even as she was explaining this to me and showing me on my X-rays, I still didn't quite understand why she was so sad. I was just happy she didn't say I had some incurable disease. I was sure she was being overly dramatic especially after she kept asking me if I was ok. She even had a box of tissues in her hand just in case. When she finished explaining my results and my next step, she asked if I had any questions and I said no. She looked puzzled as if she missed something. I reassured her that I didn't have any questions and I went on my way. I could tell that she was expecting tears, outbursts about how life sucks or why is this happening to me but I didn't give her that. I was calm, upbeat and essentially clueless about the severity of my issue.
To be continued...
Forever Fierce Fabulous & Flawless
Tenisha
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