​After two years of loss, surgeries and failed transfers I decided that my mind and body was tapped out. I needed a break from the shots, ovulation calendars and anticipation of whether or not a transfer would work. I had been very aggressive in my attempts to get pregnant and as a result my body had suffered. My labs were perfect but my emotional and physical state were not aligned. I decided to focus on getting healthy, strengthening my marriage and living my best life. 

Getting Back in the Game
My plan to focus on getting back to my normal self was working. It took some time to get adjusted and to stop wondering when I will be a mom again but after a few months getting pregnant was not on my priority list. From January to August, I consistently worked out, changed my diet, and loved up on my husband. My heart was full. I spoke with my husband and we decided that it was time to get back in the game. I wanted to wait until after my birthday to start the IVF process again. We went in for our appointment, signed our paperwork and I immediately started my meds. 

God’s Blessing
After starting my meds, my body didn’t feel right. I didn’t know what was wrong and my level of concern was heightened. After suffering for two weeks, I called my doctor and insisted on a change in my meds. My sickness reached a high and I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to take a pregnancy test to prove that I wasn’t pregnant and that it was in fact the medications that were making me sick. I took the pregnancy test and it was positive. I didn’t get too excited because some of my medications can give a false positive and I had been told that getting pregnant naturally was nearly impossible. The next day I took another test and it was positive. I immediately went in for blood work and I was in fact pregnant. An ultrasound confirmed it was one baby and I realized that despite what I had been told, God had in fact blessed me with a baby conceived naturally. I had no idea I was pregnant but the best part was that my baby was due five days after my MacKenzie Grace. My husband and I were so excited and our parents were elated. 

​Faith Over Fear
My entire medical team was on high alert because of what happened during my first pregnancy. We were blessed to see our baby several times throughout the pregnancy because we were all determined to keep Baby Brown in the womb until I was full term. Even after one emergency room visit when I was 13 weeks, we didn’t lose our faith in the process. We planned to do a baby reveal on New Year’s Eve and a gender reveal when the clock hit midnight. Unfortunately, this was not God’s plan. On December 30th I started to feel abdominal pain. I was determined to be positive but I wanted to make sure everything was ok. I went to the emergency room and the pain intensified. At 18 weeks I was in active labor and I couldn’t believe that this was happening again. We prayed and prayed for a miracle, and it seemed that it worked. However, things took a turn for the worst, I was forced to choose between my life and trying to save my baby. I didn’t want to give up but God made the decision for me. Before I could finish arguing with the doctor, my water broke and I was forced to deliver my daughter Madison Grace Brown on December 31, 2017.
 
Power of Love
I’m not sure why this happened again but over the past three years I have learned that God’s plan is greater than my plan. I didn’t understand why God would bless me with another baby girl and then take her away from us but I knew that we could get through this. As I labored, my husband never let go of my hand. Every night I spent in the hospital battling, he slept uncomfortably on the sofa in the maternity suite. He checked every medication and wiped every tear. Losing a child is extremely hard on a marriage and losing two children is even harder. My husband has been everything to me. His commitment to my health and his unconditional love remind me of how truly blessed I am. His love for me is pure and I'm so blessed to be his wife! We have not given up on our journey to become parents. This is just another test for our testimony.
 

​“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4
 
To be continued…
 
Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless
 
Tenisha

​My journey to motherhood has been beyond what I could have ever imagined. Admittedly, I never thought that it would be so difficult to be “fruitful.” Throughout this time, I have endured both mental and physical tests that simultaneously strained and strengthened me. There are several things that I have learned in the past two years but the best aha moment came after my third failed transfer.

After over two years of hormones, pregnancy, losses, and emotional highs and lows, my body was screaming for a break. I forced my last transfer and as I reflect on that time in my life, God was telling me “not right now.” However, I persisted because it was what I felt I needed to do. Not only to appease myself but those who are anxiously waiting for the miniature versions of my husband and I. Unfortunately, It was not my time.

After a few weeks of weening off of my medications, I realized that I missed my old self. Yes I had matured and my priorities had shifted tremendously but I was neglecting myself. Physically I was exhausted and instead of continuing to make excuses, I decided to do something about it. I was determined to take my body back. Fertility treatments hold you hostage and you can easily lose yourself throughout the process. Don’t get me wrong, fertility treatments are a blessing and I will continue to push through because the desire of my heart is to be a mother but the truth remains that it is physically taxing. Irregular hormone levels, surgeries, and weight gain pushed me to the point where my body simply tapped out. I needed a break and honestly it was the best decision that I made.

I sat down with my husband and told him I wanted to take some time off. I wasn’t specific about the length of time but I unapologetically told him that I needed to focus on getting healthy. For the first time in over two years, I felt in control. I jokingly said I always smelled like medicine. My friends and family would laugh but in my mind I was a walking test tube that needed a good scrub. My detox was a total life change including eliminating all medications, working out consistently, saying no to toxins and changing my diet. It took over five months to start to feel normal again and I’m still a work in progress. My goal was to not only heal on the outside but to heal on the inside. My reproductive system needed time to heal naturally and I’m perfectly fine with giving my body the time it needs.

I have not given up on my journey to motherhood but I do recognize that this journey is not a sprint. Being strong doesn’t always mean you keep going even when you are tired, sometimes true strength is recognizing when you need to rest. With patience, self-care and most importantly faith, I will be a mother again.

To be continued…

Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless!

Tenisha

On the day of the surgery I declared that it would be my last and that it would be the final delay before I was a mother again. Alas, I was wrong. During my surgery, my doctor found more than she bargained for. The loss of my angel was still with me and my uterus was compromised. She did all she could but she knew that I had to have another surgery to fix it. I scheduled my third surgery and again I proclaimed that it would be my last. The surgery was a success and my doctor was elated by my progress in just a little over a month. She was eager to start the process again and to my surprise she set a transfer date and schedule. I repeatedly asked was the date correct and she reassured me that she was comfortable with me starting the process. I started my meds once again with hopes to getting to that third transfer. However that was not God’s plan. My body stopped responding to the meds and I had to stop the cycle for the second time.

My heart was heavy and I leaned heavily on God. This entire process has been the hardest thing I have ever been through and the only thing that keeps me focused is my faith in God’s promise. I realize that my journey is purpose driven and it is not just for me. One day I will hold my babies in my arms and shout my testimony about how awesome God is but until then I will remain positive and faithful!

To be continued…

Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless

Tenisha ​

When you’re growing up, you are encouraged to make friends primarily because it is an important element in emotional and social development. When you’re young it is more about quantity instead of quality. This makes sense because at a young age you are still learning who you are and developing your moral compass. But as you progress through life, your friend meter is refined and so is your friend circle. We become better at defining real friendship and gain the courage to delete those that don’t meet that definition.  
 
Throughout life you have three types of friends: (1) the real friend, (2) the convenient friend, and (3) the fake friend. Everyone has at least one person that regardless of what is going on in life, you know that he or she will always be there for you. No need for fan-fare or empty conversations. A real friend is brutally honest and undeniably supportive. On the other hand, you have the convenient friend who is only your friend when it is convenient for them. The convenient friend makes your friendship a priority on his or her time regardless of your needs or wants. The convenient friend has the façade of a real friend but don’t count on this person when real tragedy strikes.
 
Now the fake friend is the one that you have to recognize and keep at bay. They are your bestie in your face but bash you behind your back. They bask in your failures and is the last person to celebrate your successes. This person is dangerous because they have mastered the art of being fake. Somehow the fake friend can convince you that they are a better friend than the real friend despite only being in your life because it is beneficial to them. They often try to sabotage your relationship with others and inevitably leave you isolated and friendless. Unfortunately, most of us have experienced the plight of the fake friend.
 
An important lesson that I have learned over the years is that friendship, I mean true friendship, requires effort on both sides. Whenever I felt like I was doing all the work to keep the friendship going, I would get so frustrated and try so hard to salvage what we once had but as I matured I realized that the distance was intentional. Sometimes God removes people from your life because those people aren’t meant to grow with you. Those you leave behind are only meant for that particular season. They may have been one of those fake friends that needed to be banished from your life. The irony is that those that end up on the chopping block often resent this treatment and resort to behavior that further prove why they should no longer be in your circle. Recognizing seasonal friends actually allows you to realize the blessing of real friendship. By letting go, you will have more time to focus on being a better person instead of chasing dying friendships. 

I'm tremendously grateful for those friends that have transcended friendship and are now family.
 
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17 NIV
 
Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless!
 
Tenisha

​We have all heard the term “shaming” used for pretty much everything including the more prominent body shaming and mom shaming but recently there has been a new trend “pregnancy-shaming.” Honestly, I had no idea this even existed until my husband started playing in the NFL but it didn’t register with me until I started my journey towards motherhood. For the first four seasons of my husband’s NFL career, I was a girlfriend. I quickly realized that being just a girlfriend put me just above the side-chicks on the hierarchy of legitimacy. I was replaceable in the eyes of others and the only thing that would set me apart would be an engagement ring or a pregnancy.
 
Well, I got the ring but unfortunately it still wasn’t enough. Once we got engaged, I was immediately bombarded with questions about our start date for procreation. These questions escalated once we got married. Why wasn’t I pregnant? When am I getting pregnant? Why don’t you want kids? All of these questions were grossly misguided but the kicker came when I was mom-shamed and pregnancy-shamed in the same conversation. I was criticized for not having kids by someone who was a wife and mom. Once she discovered that I wasn’t a mom or even pregnant, she immediately moved on as if somehow my value decreased. At the time my husband and I had just started our journey towards parenthood and we had no idea that in-vitro fertilization (IVF) was our only option. Not having children too often leaves women open to criticism for not doing and giving enough.
 
Pregnancy shaming extends beyond getting pregnant and giving my husband heirs to his throne, it resonates throughout pregnancy as well. I saw a post from a well-known pregnant woman that claimed that she was doing pregnancy better than anyone and challenged future mothers to look better, be in better shape or to be more fabulous. When did pregnancy become a competition? I have several friends that are hesitant to post pregnancy photos because of the fear of judgment by others. Pregnancy is one of the most difficult processes that any woman can go through and somewhere along the way growing a human being became a sport in which championship rings are awarded to those with the most elaborate baby showers, best “fit pregnancy” workout videos, and the best dressed toddlers.
 
After reading post after post judging women for being married but not having children, or for not doing pregnancy the “right way” I decided that enough was enough. A woman’s womb is her business and I have learned that you never know what a woman is enduring. She may yearn for children but cannot get pregnant. She may be able to get pregnant but has had several miscarriages. She may also be a woman who chooses not to bear children at all.  As for doing pregnancy the “right way,” there is no right or wrong way to be pregnant. Growing a life is a blessing that should not warrant the masses declaring open season for insults and criticism on the mother-to-be.
 
I refuse to be ashamed of my journey to motherhood. My husband didn’t marry my womb, he married all of me! Therefore, I AM ENOUGH!
 
Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless!
 
Tenisha

Throughout my life, I have had one consistent mantra: if I have faith, whatever I put my mind to I can achieve! My journey to motherhood would follow suit. With every challenge or deterrent, I insisted that I would continue to move forward until I achieved my end game of becoming a mother. Although I was determined to never give up, I wanted this second time around to be on my terms. As a means to grieve, I decided to create a comprehensive plan of action that my entire team would follow. Overzealous? Yes but I truly believed that if I pushed the timeline then it would be easier for me to heal. I needed that control. I received major pushback from everyone including my doctors, family and even my husband. They preached the same message: “be patient!” My reaction: “no one knows me better than I know myself.”
 
My Plan
Immediately after the loss of MacKenzie Grace I began to plan for my next in-vitro fertilization (IVF) series. As I laid in the hospital bed, I mapped out the mandatory six (6) week waiting period and settled on a transfer date. I believed in my heart that getting pregnant as soon as possible would mask the grief and ease the pain of losing our daughter. I made doctors’ appointments with the intentions of not only finding the cause of the loss but to prepare myself for the next transfer. With each visit and every physician, I was told that there was no guarantee that I could start when I wanted. We didn’t know why I lost Mackenzie so late in my pregnancy and as a result my physicians wanted to take every precaution before starting the process again. I insisted that I was right and that I knew what was best for me but with every attempt to start IVF, I was deterred. I started to get frustrated until my husband reminded me of what I tell him all the time about football: “There are things that are greater than you, and for those things you have to let God take control.”
 
God’s Plan
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” James 1:2-3 NIV
 
After two months of insisting that my timeline was doable, I was forced to take a step back. My hormone levels were inconsistent which inevitably led to a MRI on my brain. How could this be? I did everything that I was supposed to do. I meticulously followed all of the schedules and I adhered to every instruction that I was given. Thankfully my MRI results were normal but it was definitely a dose of reality. Just because I followed the “rules” didn’t mean that I wouldn’t endure trials and tribulations along the way. Sometimes our plans aren’t God’s plans. Not because He doesn’t want us to be happy or live a prosperous life but because He has something far greater in store for us. We often fight so hard to control the situation and we wonder why nothing is changing. Why do we keep encountering setbacks? It may be that God is just waiting for us to let him take control.
 
To correct my statement that “no one knows me better than I know myself,” in fact God does! My journey may be delayed but by faith I know it’s not denied!
 
To Be Continued…
 
Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless
 
Tenisha

In the Spring of 2005, my linesisters and I took an oath to forever be our linesisters' keeper but I had no idea how significant that oath would be in my life.  I first learned about sororities when I was in middle school. I'm originally from a very small country town in Florida and sorority life wasn't on anyone's radar. I was the first person in my immediate family to attend a four-year university so I didn't have any family members that were apart of Greek life. My best friend of twenty years was the exact opposite. Every woman in her family is a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. and she was exposed to sorority life from birth. As our friendship blossomed so did my interest in the sorority. All I knew was AKA and I vowed that if I had the chance, I would jump at the opportunity to become a member. I learned about the work in the community and the commitment to educational excellence but I was lured by the women themselves. They were the perfect combination of grace and strength.

When I enrolled at Florida State, I was more concerned with academics than extracurricular activities. I was focused on getting and maintaining a high GPA which left little time to attend any social events. After my freshman year, I was so involved in the athletic department that becoming a sorority girl seemed like a distant dream until that faithful day in the union that changed my life. I was so graciously introduced to a member of the sorority and I was flabbergasted. She was absolutely glamorous. Every member that I met after that was just like her. I inevitably became a member of the glamour chapter but I could have never imagined what a blessing it would be. 
I am honored to say that I have thirteen amazing linesisters. They are wives, mothers, sisters, daughters and best friends. Each one of them is utterly phenomenal. I love my linesisters. Not because we are linesisters but because they are my keepers. I have watched these women sacrifice for one another and love unconditionally solely based on the premise of sisterhood. Not generic, builder-grade sisterhood but that true “out of the night that covers me” sisterhood. We were forced to grow closer because of external circumstances and although we didn’t realize it then it was a blessing in disguise. We have endured. We have supported one another through some of the most difficult times and some of the best times of our lives. From deaths to marriages, we have been more than just a number.

Becoming an AKA but more importantly a ZO AKA helped me become the woman I am today. I have my linesisters but I also have a network of women that are true definitions of excellence. Almost 11 years later and I am still learning from them. Although my journey has not been perfect, it has been worth it. The lessons that I learned are truly invaluable!
 
I will forever be my linesisters’ keeper!  Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless

Tenisha 

After losing my daughter, I knew that it would take time to heal physically and emotionally. My husband and I received overwhelming support from our family and friends but we knew that it would be a difficult journey to recover. Losing a child is the hardest challenge that I have ever faced but I had faith that I would get through it. I knew I had to grieve but I didn’t want to be in hiding. Friends and family were uncomfortable around me. No one knew what to say. There were those that refused to address it and those who wanted to know every detail. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with someone mourning a loss but I have certainly learned some valuable lessons along the way. Here are some of the most difficult aspects of my grieving and how I overcame the pain.
 
Dealing with Babies and Pregnant Women.
 
Being in the presence of babies and pregnant women was heart wrenching. Whenever I would see a baby or a pregnant woman, my heart would yearn for those moments with my Mackenzie Grace. Even though I never changed her diaper or felt her kick in my womb, I missed those moments as if I had. I found myself avoiding them at all costs primarily because I didn’t want to cry or make them uncomfortable. I would leave the room or change seats so I wouldn’t have to deal with the fact that those joys were taken away from me. After running away for over a month, I realized that this wasn’t healthy. It simply wasn’t realistic. I was spending so much time avoiding the unavoidable instead of conquering the grief. I needed to cry in order to release those feelings. So I did but I added another element, prayer. I cried and prayed my way through it until I got to the point where I no longer felt somber when I was in the presence of babies or pregnant women.
 
Accepting that I May Never Know Why this Happened.
 
For months I endured tests and exams trying to figure out what went wrong. I went from one specialist to another and no one could find anything. My daughter was perfectly healthy and so was I. Naturally this bothered me. How could this be? If there is nothing wrong with me or with my daughter then why did this happen? I pondered this question over and over again until one night when I read this scripture “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV. I realized there are some things that I will never understand and that the only solution is to trust that God is in control and knows exactly what He is doing. My hope for my journey to motherhood is welded in my faith and trust in God’s will. I may not understand why this happened but I have faith that it will never happen again.
 
Realizing that I Will Never “Get Over It.”
 
As I planned for my grieving process, yes I attempted to plan my mourning, I rationed out time that I would spend grieving before I “got over it.” Every time I thought that I was over it, those feelings of hurt came rushing back and I would break down in tears. I didn’t realize that I will never “get over it.” Yes I will heal but it wasn’t healthy or productive to spend time trying to forget what happened. I will never forget how I felt about my daughter or how I felt the night I lost her however I will heal. I learned that losing a child isn’t something you “get over,” and no one expects that of you. I had to be patient with myself and with the process. I decided to put all of the letters, messages and cards that I received in a special box along with her angel blanket and booties to honor her. I still have moments of sorrow but in those times I find solace in my faith.  
 
My journey to motherhood has not been perfect or even ideal however I would not trade my experience for anything in the world. This is my test so I can have a testimony!
 
To be continued…
 
Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless
 
Tenisha