I start with this scripture because I have to remind myself on a daily basis that God’s got me. That the promise he put in my heart is real and that one day I will be a mother again.
The time had arrived. Finally I was cleared to have another transfer. I started the cycle of pills and shots just like the first time around but this time was different. I was lax in my schedule and even hesitant in my dosage. Emotionally I was different, physically I was exhausted and I just didn't feel right. Despite these feelings I pushed forward. I insisted on following through. So I took my medications and went in for my transfer. In my mind I knew it would work just like before despite only transferring one embryo but in my heart I was anxious. Following my transfer, I waited out those first 48 hours just like before. I tried to forget about why I was doing this again instead of nursing my new baby girl. So I occupied myself with work, family and friends. I kept the transfer low key because I didn't want to deal with questions if it wasn't successful.
The day finally arrived. It was time to take a pregnancy test. Unfortunately, after waiting months after losing my daughter I was delayed yet again. I thought this has to be a joke. There's no way that there's another issue. Well I was wrong. The transfer didn't work and I didn't know why. Initially I blamed my doctor for not allowing me to transfer two embryos which drastically increases the success rate, then I blamed myself for not following proper protocol but then I had to realize yet again God is reminding me that he is in control. I pushed and pushed because it was my time, but God showed me that no matter what I think it, this will not happen unless it is his will.
I was disappointed but I had to refocus my thinking. God is pruning me. With each trial, I grow stronger in my faith. I know that I will be a mother again. I also know that God doesn't make mistakes. I may be delayed but I will not be denied.
“And if we know that he hears us-whatever we ask-we know that we have what we asked of him.” 1 John 5:15 NIV
To be continued…
Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless