I decided to start a fast which included taking a break from social media, family and friends. I committed myself to healing my body, mind, and marriage. For forty days I limited communication and interaction with anyone that was not mandatory. I am always described as the strong friend, and that very strength that everyone relied on was what I needed to get through my greatest trial but I had nothing left. For the past four years I had struggled with infertility, suffered losses and worked tirelessly towards building an empire with my husband. I had given so much without refueling and God stopped me in my tracks. I listened to my spirit and put everyone and everything on mute.
It was one of the toughest decisions that I made because I knew there would be negative consequences to this isolation. I knew that not answering phone calls or openly discussing my feelings would be cause for concern and lead to unsavory feelings held by family and friends. Most were understanding but some simply did not see validity in the path that God chose for me.
Throughout my fast, I decided to capture the revelations no matter how big or small. Lessons of my fast:
Strength manifests in a variety of forms.
As women, we are conditioned to keep going even when our mind and body signal that we need to slow down or stop all together. We believe that real strength is exhibited when you keep pushing despite external circumstances, and this is true. However, there are variations of strength that allow us to be human. True strength is also exhibited when we are vulnerable. Admittedly I am a strong alpha woman but the “I got you” spirit from my husband is my greatest blessing.
Grief is unique to the griever.
My expressions of grief varied dramatically with Madison. After losing MacKenzie, I was emotional from day one, and with Madison I was in an initial state of shock. I was what everyone deemed in “good spirits” but I had no idea what was in store. I needed space and time to figure out what I needed to get better. Family and friends couldn’t understand this and as a result many took my isolation personally. Instantly, I felt guilt about how I treated a college friend who lost her cousin. I was so upset that she didn’t tell me about the happenings of her life that I missed the opportunity to be present as she healed. It took almost six years to realize that grieving is unique to the griever.
It’s OK to take time to refuel.
I spend my life doing what I love, speaking life into others. I pour into others regardless of what is going on in my own life, and typically this is never a problem. However, during my time of mourning my focus needed to shift in order for me to continue to pursue my passion. I was reminded of the importance of taking mental wellness days.
Stepping away from everything was necessary because God needed to work on me. He was preparing me for something far greater than I could ever imagine. I’m not sure how this blessing will manifest but I know that I am stronger than before and I will be a mother again!
“So we fasted and petitioned our God about this, and he answered our prayer.” Ezra 8:23 NIV
Rest in Heaven my baby girls MacKenzie and Madison!
Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless