A week ago I started my "Choosing Faith Over Fear" series explaining why I choose to be faithful instead of fearful. I spoke candidly about my mental well being and how I had to choose faith over fear in order to live a happy life. This week I will address fear of failure.

Fear: Failure

As a daughter: Unfortunately, one of the driving forces of my success has been a fear of failing as a daughter. From elementary school to law school, I pushed myself to be a shining example of the "perfect" daughter. Winning awards and being president of every student organization was always my goal. Yes because I'm an overachiever but also because I had a drive to make my parents and grandmother proud. I couldn't fail them. It seemed that my entire family put their own hopes and dreams in me. If I failed then everyone failed, and I couldn't allow that to happen. So I allowed the fear of failing to consume me. I stressed about every exam, every life choice, and even how my family perceived me. This was no way to live so I had to choose.   

As a wife. Throughout my relationship, I didn't give much thought to what type of wife I would be. I didn't think about how domestic or submissive I would be or the dynamics of my marriage. I knew that one day I would be a wife and then I would just figure it out. It wasn't until my husband and I returned from our honeymoon, that it finally hit me. All of a sudden I began to have anxiety about being a good wife. I had a preconceived notion about what a wife is supposed to be and do, and I desperately tried to fulfill that role. I feared failing as a wife, failing my husband, and failing to be an example to others. I began to obsess about even the smallest things, and as a result my husband began to push me away. He couldn't figure out what was wrong and I was more concerned with fixing it "like a good wife should," than actually communicating with my husband. The error: having a fear of failing to be a stereotype.

As a mother. I will discuss my journey to motherhood on a later post, but one of the biggest stepping stones on my journey was dealing with the fear of failing as a mother. I'm not a mother but like most women I had to make a conscience decision to embark on the journey of motherhood. After my husband and I decided that we were going to have children, my mind was immediately filled with fear of failing to be a good mother. Will I give my child the love that he/she needs? Will I guide them in the right direction? Will I be a good mother? A part of me doubted this because of my general feelings about children. I'm not one of those people who loves kids. Actually I'm the person who will never volunteer to babysit and kids don't volunteer to come with me. I have had people say to me that they weren't sure if I should have kids. This fueled the fear so I had to choose. 
  
Faith: Faith that Failure is a Necessity to Achieving Success

I had to make a choice as a daughter, as a wife, and as a future mother. I had to realize that I can't be perfect and that there will be moments of imperfection. More importantly I had to have faith that failure is a necessity to achieving success, and that the measurement of success as a daughter, wife and mother would be based on my standards and not the standards of others.  

As I moved further along in my life, I had to choose whether I would succumb to the fear of failure or have faith in the process. Each time you fail you are supposed to learn a lesson from that failure, if you don't learn the lesson you will continue to go through the same exact failure. So I paused and I reflected. What was I missing? Faith in the process. I needed to fail, to strengthen  my faith, to strengthen my marriage and family, to strengthen my vision, and to strengthen my relationship with God. I needed to fail in order to learn not to trust on my own "logical assessment or understanding" but on the power of God.  The fear of failure stifled my growth.  So I chose faith. 

One of my favorite scriptures is 1 Corinthians 2:5 "That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the Power of God." I believe that the reference to "wisdom of men" includes yourself.  You may not see the path but you have the vision, so you have to have faith to achieve that vision and to not be sidetracked by fear.

I encourage you if you are facing the fear of failing to chose faith. If you fail, remember that failure is preparing you for something greater. Learn from those failures and keep moving forward.

"For with God nothing shall be impossible." Luke 1:37

Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless

Tenisha
 

Several years ago I had a moment. A moment that sent me on emotional roller coaster. I had given up on life and I was prepared to throw in the towel. It was all too much and I couldn't find a way out. Yes I had always been a believer in the power of faith and God's will but I was fearful and didn't even realize it. I was living in fear and I was forced to make a choice. I could either choose to walk in faith or remain in despair.

I chose the title "Choosing Faith Over Fear" because honestly that is what saved me. There were several layers of my fear. Here's part one of my "Choosing Faith Over Fear" series that led to the life I have today.

Fear: Fear of Being Alone!

My relationships with my family and friends have always been extremely important to me, and I always have tried to make the ones I loved happy. It has always been my soft spot that somehow would shift my mood based on the conversation or situation. If I loved you, I would make it my personal mission to try to make you happy. I was the emotional dumpster for everyone and while they left the conversation feeling refreshed I carried the feelings around for days and sometimes weeks. I kept asking myself why was I so sensitive, why did I care so much? I had convinced myself that somehow if I could make them happy by listening to all of their problems, it would make their lives better, and in turn they would maintain a relationship with me. I felt like it was my assignment so I internalized their feelings of hurt, sadness and betrayal. They didn't want to hear my words of encouragement or realistic synopsis of the situation, no that would be too real, they wanted to just vent. I'm not saying it's something wrong with having someone that you can vent to however there is a point where you have to say "does this person deserve all of the baggage I'm leaving with them?" 

My fear of my family and friends not loving me or being upset with me for not listening to all of their problems was holding me back from living a happy life. I realized that it was self-imposed fear. No one told me that I had to be their emotional receptacle, that was a role that I chose. I always answered the phone no matter the hour, I always listened even when I felt that they were being unreasonable, and I never expressed my feelings about how their negative energy was affecting my life. We can all handle an occasional "today was horrible" but the daily "my life sucks," "everyone keeps doing (insert word here) to me," or the infamous "if it isn't one thing it's a another" is simply unbearable. Something had to change!

Faith: Having Faith that my Relationships Didn't Depend on my Unhappiness

One of my favorite scriptures is Mark 4:40 "And he said unto them, 'Why are ye so fearful? how is that ye have no faith?'" How could this be that I was so afraid of being happy. I thought my relationship, family and friends made me happy, and that if I altered those relationships in any way that I would lose everything. See I had the fear of loneliness. As I read this scripture more and more, I kept reflecting on the context of the words. Jesus instructed his Disciplines to get into a boat to go across to the other side and then they were in a furious storm. Jesus was sleeping as the Disciples feared for their lives. They asked Jesus if he cared if they drowned and Jesus responded with those words. See I feared I would drown if I lost those relationships but I had to realize that the ONLY relationship that mattered was my relationship with God! I realized that if my relationships were conditioned upon me being the negative filter then it was better to limit or eliminate that relationship from my life.

I learned to defuse negative energy by not answering my phone (this is still a work in progress), shifting the conversation to a more positive tone, and valuing my inner peace over being a listening ear. Faith eliminates fear, and in every other aspect of my life I have confident faith. I had always believed that it would work out in the end hence why it simply didn't make sense why I allowed fear to control me in this circumstance. That lack of logic caused for change.

I encourage you to choose faith. To eliminate fear and take a leap of faith in whatever is in your heart. If you are afraid of being lonely remember that God will never leave nor forsake you, and that if you have faith you can find your happiness. Remember, people are attracted to negative energy but the right people are attracted to positive influences.

Stay tuned for part 2 of my Choosing Faith Over Fear series.

Forever Fierce Fabulous & Flawless!

Tenisha