After over two years of hormones, pregnancy, losses, and emotional highs and lows, my body was screaming for a break. I forced my last transfer and as I reflect on that time in my life, God was telling me “not right now.” However, I persisted because it was what I felt I needed to do. Not only to appease myself but those who are anxiously waiting for the miniature versions of my husband and I. Unfortunately, It was not my time.
After a few weeks of weening off of my medications, I realized that I missed my old self. Yes I had matured and my priorities had shifted tremendously but I was neglecting myself. Physically I was exhausted and instead of continuing to make excuses, I decided to do something about it. I was determined to take my body back. Fertility treatments hold you hostage and you can easily lose yourself throughout the process. Don’t get me wrong, fertility treatments are a blessing and I will continue to push through because the desire of my heart is to be a mother but the truth remains that it is physically taxing. Irregular hormone levels, surgeries, and weight gain pushed me to the point where my body simply tapped out. I needed a break and honestly it was the best decision that I made.
I sat down with my husband and told him I wanted to take some time off. I wasn’t specific about the length of time but I unapologetically told him that I needed to focus on getting healthy. For the first time in over two years, I felt in control. I jokingly said I always smelled like medicine. My friends and family would laugh but in my mind I was a walking test tube that needed a good scrub. My detox was a total life change including eliminating all medications, working out consistently, saying no to toxins and changing my diet. It took over five months to start to feel normal again and I’m still a work in progress. My goal was to not only heal on the outside but to heal on the inside. My reproductive system needed time to heal naturally and I’m perfectly fine with giving my body the time it needs.
I have not given up on my journey to motherhood but I do recognize that this journey is not a sprint. Being strong doesn’t always mean you keep going even when you are tired, sometimes true strength is recognizing when you need to rest. With patience, self-care and most importantly faith, I will be a mother again.
To be continued…
Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless!