Dealing with Babies and Pregnant Women.
Being in the presence of babies and pregnant women was heart wrenching. Whenever I would see a baby or a pregnant woman, my heart would yearn for those moments with my Mackenzie Grace. Even though I never changed her diaper or felt her kick in my womb, I missed those moments as if I had. I found myself avoiding them at all costs primarily because I didn’t want to cry or make them uncomfortable. I would leave the room or change seats so I wouldn’t have to deal with the fact that those joys were taken away from me. After running away for over a month, I realized that this wasn’t healthy. It simply wasn’t realistic. I was spending so much time avoiding the unavoidable instead of conquering the grief. I needed to cry in order to release those feelings. So I did but I added another element, prayer. I cried and prayed my way through it until I got to the point where I no longer felt somber when I was in the presence of babies or pregnant women.
Accepting that I May Never Know Why this Happened.
For months I endured tests and exams trying to figure out what went wrong. I went from one specialist to another and no one could find anything. My daughter was perfectly healthy and so was I. Naturally this bothered me. How could this be? If there is nothing wrong with me or with my daughter then why did this happen? I pondered this question over and over again until one night when I read this scripture “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV. I realized there are some things that I will never understand and that the only solution is to trust that God is in control and knows exactly what He is doing. My hope for my journey to motherhood is welded in my faith and trust in God’s will. I may not understand why this happened but I have faith that it will never happen again.
Realizing that I Will Never “Get Over It.”
As I planned for my grieving process, yes I attempted to plan my mourning, I rationed out time that I would spend grieving before I “got over it.” Every time I thought that I was over it, those feelings of hurt came rushing back and I would break down in tears. I didn’t realize that I will never “get over it.” Yes I will heal but it wasn’t healthy or productive to spend time trying to forget what happened. I will never forget how I felt about my daughter or how I felt the night I lost her however I will heal. I learned that losing a child isn’t something you “get over,” and no one expects that of you. I had to be patient with myself and with the process. I decided to put all of the letters, messages and cards that I received in a special box along with her angel blanket and booties to honor her. I still have moments of sorrow but in those times I find solace in my faith.
My journey to motherhood has not been perfect or even ideal however I would not trade my experience for anything in the world. This is my test so I can have a testimony!
To be continued…
Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless