Immediately after the loss of MacKenzie Grace I began to plan for my next in-vitro fertilization (IVF) series. As I laid in the hospital bed, I mapped out the mandatory six (6) week waiting period and settled on a transfer date. I believed in my heart that getting pregnant as soon as possible would mask the grief and ease the pain of losing our daughter. I made doctors’ appointments with the intentions of not only finding the cause of the loss but to prepare myself for the next transfer. With each visit and every physician, I was told that there was no guarantee that I could start when I wanted. We didn’t know why I lost Mackenzie so late in my pregnancy and as a result my physicians wanted to take every precaution before starting the process again. I insisted that I was right and that I knew what was best for me but with every attempt to start IVF, I was deterred. I started to get frustrated until my husband reminded me of what I tell him all the time about football: “There are things that are greater than you, and for those things you have to let God take control.”
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” James 1:2-3 NIV
After two months of insisting that my timeline was doable, I was forced to take a step back. My hormone levels were inconsistent which inevitably led to a MRI on my brain. How could this be? I did everything that I was supposed to do. I meticulously followed all of the schedules and I adhered to every instruction that I was given. Thankfully my MRI results were normal but it was definitely a dose of reality. Just because I followed the “rules” didn’t mean that I wouldn’t endure trials and tribulations along the way. Sometimes our plans aren’t God’s plans. Not because He doesn’t want us to be happy or live a prosperous life but because He has something far greater in store for us. We often fight so hard to control the situation and we wonder why nothing is changing. Why do we keep encountering setbacks? It may be that God is just waiting for us to let him take control.
To correct my statement that “no one knows me better than I know myself,” in fact God does! My journey may be delayed but by faith I know it’s not denied!
To Be Continued…
Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless