Fear: Fear of Adversity
Throughout my life I have always embraced challenges. I never wanted anything to be too easy because I believed in my heart that as long as I had faith and works then I could figure out how to conquer any challenge. Admittedly, I never imagined that after getting the result I desired, I would lose my “reward.”
I have been very public about my journey to motherhood primarily because God placed it on my heart to not only work through my struggles but to help other women struggling with infertility. Throughout my journey, I believed that I would become a mother the first time around. I had undeniable faith that my IVF transfer would be successful and I would celebrate during the holidays the joys of being a mother-to-be. Even though every book and medical professional constantly reminded me that there was a possibility of miscarrying, after getting through the infamous first trimester or what I deemed the “danger zone,” I relaxed and finally started to enjoy being pregnant. However, after hearing the devastating news of a friend losing her baby during her second trimester I began to allow fear to creep into my subconscious. As the weeks passed, I obsessed about my “bump” and I wanted to insure that my baby was healthy. I didn’t realize that my obsessing was a direct result of a weakened faith.
Unfortunately, after almost a year of procedures, hormone injections and doctor’s appointments, my husband and I lost our baby girl. I immediately thought, “How could this be after we had endured so much?” I knew I had to grieve but I wasn’t prepared for the trial that I would face.
Faith: Having Faith That God Gives His Greatest Battles to His Strongest Soldiers
After losing our daughter I immediately began to pray. I always found solace in God so I didn’t doubt that I would this time around. However, unlike my previous experiences, as I spoke to God I didn’t feel His presence and He didn’t speak to me. As I laid in the hospital bed, I was confused. I always felt His presence and when I needed Him, He always answered but this time was different. God was silent. I continued to grieve and pray but I still didn’t feel His presence.
As the days passed, I tried to rationalize why this happened to us but also why God was not listening to me. I prayed for peace, I prayed for comfort, I prayed for understanding but no answer. I found myself allowing frustration to control me and my emotional well-being. I was grieving naturally but I needed to get to the root of the deeper issue I was having with my relationship with God.
After weeks of searching for an answer, I shifted my focus from asking “why God wasn’t listening to me” to asking “how can I grow closer to God?” I started reading daily Bible plans and praying every time I felt overwhelmed or dejected. One day as I was reading, I stumbled across one of my favorite scriptures “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12.
I realized that God was speaking to me through His word. I immediately dropped to my knees and began to pray. I felt my husband’s hand on my back as he joined me in prayer. We prayed diligently for what felt like a few minutes but in reality was over an hour. I finally felt God’s presence which made me give Him even more praise. All of the feelings of sadness, anger, frustration and grief instantly left my heart and mind, and everything became clear. We needed this adversity in order for us to grow closer to God. He needed to be silent so we could reach the next level of faith. He was preparing us for something greater. I don’t know what that “something” is however I have faith that the battle we endured was preparing us for an even greater blessing.
If you are struggling through a trial remember that God is preparing you for something great that requires you to be stronger. Your test will be your testimony! My husband and I know that because of MacKenzie Grace we are now two of God’s strongest soldiers.
Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless