About two years ago I received the first of several messages from college classmates expressing the desire to change the dynamic of our relationship. Admittedly in college I had very little control over my emotions and I allowed my passion to cloud my judgment. Although I may have been right in principle, I was most certainly wrong in my reactionary behavior. The former classmate reached out with a pure heart and apologized for whatever pain she had caused and I did the same. That moment touched my spirit and I was determined that I wouldn’t hold back in forgiveness or grace.

As I immersed myself in God’s word, I realized that giving someone grace was not just a nice thing to do, it was a direct reflection of God. God gives us grace without expecting anything in return. It cannot be earned or taken away. God grants us grace because He loves us even when we are not following His will. How was this possible? Unbelievable right? Grace in itself is an amazing example of the goodness of God. I reflected on how God has granted me grace and I felt compelled to challenge myself to stop complaining about what someone once did and focus on who they are in the present. Too often we do not allow people to change and grow. We judge them by their past actions but expect others to see past who we once were. Whether it is a damaged friendship or a misunderstanding with a stranger, it can be difficult to allow God to shine through you. Forgiveness, grace and sharing in the sincere apology is not for the recipient but for you. Don’t get me wrong, this is a difficult task but I promise it is worth it.

With the losses that I have suffered in the last three years (Mackenzie Grace & Madison Grace), I have learned that petty drama and meaningless arguments simply aren’t worth my time. I would rather spread positive vibes instead of negative energy. I challenge each of you to give someone grace by letting go of whatever anger or frustration you may have towards that individual. By God’s grace we are saved!

Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless

Tenisha

On January 18, 2018, nineteen days after the loss of my second daughter Madison Grace, I made one of the toughest decisions of my adult life. I was emotionally tapped out and I desperately needed to refuel. Prayer and reading my devotions were a part of my daily routine, and while reading a Bible plan I realized that I needed something more. I needed a total life change that would not only help me heal but help me grow.
 
I decided to start a fast which included taking a break from social media, family and friends. I committed myself to healing my body, mind, and marriage. For forty days I limited communication and interaction with anyone that was not mandatory. I am always described as the strong friend, and that very strength that everyone relied on was what I needed to get through my greatest trial but I had nothing left. For the past four years I had struggled with infertility, suffered losses and worked tirelessly towards building an empire with my husband. I had given so much without refueling and God stopped me in my tracks. I listened to my spirit and put everyone and everything on mute.
 
It was one of the toughest decisions that I made because I knew there would be negative consequences to this isolation. I knew that not answering phone calls or openly discussing my feelings would be cause for concern and lead to unsavory feelings held by family and friends. Most were understanding but some simply did not see validity in the path that God chose for me.
 
Throughout my fast, I decided to capture the revelations no matter how big or small. Lessons of my fast:

Strength manifests in a variety of forms.
As women, we are conditioned to keep going even when our mind and body signal that we need to slow down or stop all together. We believe that real strength is exhibited when you keep pushing despite external circumstances, and this is true. However, there are variations of strength that allow us to be human. True strength is also exhibited when we are vulnerable. Admittedly I am a strong alpha woman but the “I got you” spirit from my husband is my greatest blessing.

Grief is unique to the griever.
My expressions of grief varied dramatically with Madison. After losing MacKenzie, I was emotional from day one, and with Madison I was in an initial state of shock. I was what everyone deemed in “good spirits” but I had no idea what was in store. I needed space and time to figure out what I needed to get better. Family and friends couldn’t understand this and as a result many took my isolation personally. Instantly, I felt guilt about how I treated a college friend who lost her cousin. I was so upset that she didn’t tell me about the happenings of her life that I missed the opportunity to be present as she healed. It took almost six years to realize that grieving is unique to the griever.

It’s OK to take time to refuel.
I spend my life doing what I love, speaking life into others. I pour into others regardless of what is going on in my own life, and typically this is never a problem. However, during my time of mourning my focus needed to shift in order for me to continue to pursue my passion. I was reminded of the importance of taking mental wellness days.
 
Stepping away from everything was necessary because God needed to work on me. He was preparing me for something far greater than I could ever imagine. I’m not sure how this blessing will manifest but I know that I am stronger than before and I will be a mother again! 
 
“So we fasted and petitioned our God about this, and he answered our prayer.” Ezra 8:23 NIV
 
Rest in Heaven my baby girls MacKenzie and Madison!
​
Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless
 
Tenisha 

Our protector, our nurturer, our friend,
grandmother you were our greatest love.
The beauty in your eyes,
the warmth of your embrace,
grandmother you were our greatest love.
The unconditional favor and endless sacrifice,
grandmother you were our greatest love.
You dried our eyes and held us tight,
protecting us from the darkness and leading us to the light,
grandmother you were our greatest love.
Our hearts yearn for just one more day
but we know you are in a better place,
grandmother you were our greatest love.
We will stand strong and make you proud because
we know you taught us how,
grandmother you were our greatest love!


Thank you for being everything to us!

Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless!

Tenisha

I have never been a movie buff or even someone who frequents the theater. If I'm going on a movie date it's to see a movie that I'm excited about. However, this time was different. A friend of mine went to see War Room with her husband and starkly encouraged my husband and I to take the time to go see it. She bolstered that it was a must see and that I wouldn't regret it. In the past I had been disappointed by overzealous claims of movie greatness but this time the film certainly lived up to the hype.  With each passing scene I became more engulfed in the role of the characters but more importantly with the underlying themes. It truly touched my soul. 

Lessons I Learned from War Room:  

Lesson 1: Learning Who is the Enemy
At some point in your marriage or relationship you feel like you are at war with your spouse or significant other. Nothing you say is right and every conversation is antagonistic despite your intentions. As a woman you find yourself nagging him with hopes of him "acting right" but it only makes things worse. You begin to view him as your enemy instead of your ally.  

As my husband and I sat in the theater watching the main characters argue it was like we were watching a rendition of ourselves. A month prior, these characters on the screen were us. Somehow we had decided that it was us against each other instead of us against the world. The devil was busy convincing both of us that there was no way our marriage could work. It was the stresses of life that pushed us further away from one another which in turn pushed us further away from God. By God's grace we realized that we were fighting a battle that would end with no champion. In the midst of our anger and frustration, we stopped and prayed. That was the power of God! I walked through my house, just like the main character in the movie, and rebuked the devil in the name of Jesus. As I walked I remembered my grandmother's words, "if you keep God in your heart, He will be in your house." With a stern voice, I said "satan you are not welcome in this house because this is God's house." We prayed for strength and we realized that our only enemy is satan not one another. My lesson: Satan is my enemy not my husband.

Lesson 2: Changing Someone is Not Your Responsibility
I must admit that I'm guilty of trying to change someone. Often times I cross the line from helping them be better to trying to force them to be what I want them to be. One of the most significant prayers to me was a prayer by the matriarch of the movie, Ms. Clara. She prayed, "God help me to not force [myself on] her because I know I have a big mouth." I laughed but the prayer resonated with me because I need to say that prayer. I find myself forcing myself on others particularly my family and friends as I try to help them. As I try to protect them. Yes God blessed with me with the ability to see the potential in others however He did not give me the assignment of changing them. Changing them is something only God can do. My job is to diligently pray for them, to support them through their challenges, and to love them unconditionally. My lesson: it's not my responsibility to change someone it's God's.

Lesson 3: How to Fight Fair through Prayer
As humans we have our instincts of either fight or flight. The flight instinct kicks in when we feel like there is a slim chance of winning and we would rather flee than suffer pain. The fight triggers when you feel you have a viable chance to defeat your opponent and your fear of pain subsides. We fight because we believe that if we don't fight we will certainly be defeated. Sometimes we choose the wrong weapon. You wouldn't take a knife to a gun fight, or a gun to a fist fight, or a fist to a debate so why do we take our feelings of hurt, anger and resentment to a fight of love. 

Fighting fair through prayer was one of the most prominent themes in the film.  There was no need to keep a list of wrongs so you could have a comeback in an argument. There was no need to be sarcastic, condescending, or negative to win. There was no way to win by perpetuating the negativity. My lesson: pray for where you want to be instead of where you are right now, and God will fight for you!

Lesson 4: The Power of Forgiveness and Grace
Admittedly, over my lifetime this has been one of the toughest things for me to do. I would partially forgive. I would forgive you for whatever you may have done however I would use that incident as precedent for how our relationship would be going forward. I had to learn that God doesn't use precedent when He forgives me so I don't have the right to use precedent in my forgiveness of others. If God gives me grace, why couldn't I grant that to others?

No one deserves forgiveness and grace but if you don't forgive it doesn't hurt the person it hurts you. When you hold on to the resentment and pain, it destroys you. It weakens you and steals your joy. My lesson: God grants forgiveness and grace to me therefore I must grant forgiveness and grace to others.

Lesson 5: How to Let Go and Let God
This lesson is the most important lesson that I have ever learned in my life, and it was reiterated over and over throughout the film. We hear the saying all the time "let go and let God" but do we really know what that means? Letting go is releasing control and allowing what is meant to happen to happen. We spend so much time trying to control every aspect of our lives that we drive ourselves crazy when things don't go exactly as planned. There are things that we can control but there are also things that no matter how hard we try we cannot make it work. At those moments, our challenge is bigger than us. We have to let it go and give it to God. When you are weary, weak and tired of fighting let it go and give it to God. Sometimes we spend so much time fighting for what we think we want or need but God has something greater in store for us. My lesson: God's got you!

I pray that everyone who reads this post takes the time to go see War Room. It is truly a powerful story and a reminder of the greatness of God!

Forever Fierce Fabulous & Flawless

Tenisha

A week ago I started my "Choosing Faith Over Fear" series explaining why I choose to be faithful instead of fearful. I spoke candidly about my mental well being and how I had to choose faith over fear in order to live a happy life. This week I will address fear of failure.

Fear: Failure

As a daughter: Unfortunately, one of the driving forces of my success has been a fear of failing as a daughter. From elementary school to law school, I pushed myself to be a shining example of the "perfect" daughter. Winning awards and being president of every student organization was always my goal. Yes because I'm an overachiever but also because I had a drive to make my parents and grandmother proud. I couldn't fail them. It seemed that my entire family put their own hopes and dreams in me. If I failed then everyone failed, and I couldn't allow that to happen. So I allowed the fear of failing to consume me. I stressed about every exam, every life choice, and even how my family perceived me. This was no way to live so I had to choose.   

As a wife. Throughout my relationship, I didn't give much thought to what type of wife I would be. I didn't think about how domestic or submissive I would be or the dynamics of my marriage. I knew that one day I would be a wife and then I would just figure it out. It wasn't until my husband and I returned from our honeymoon, that it finally hit me. All of a sudden I began to have anxiety about being a good wife. I had a preconceived notion about what a wife is supposed to be and do, and I desperately tried to fulfill that role. I feared failing as a wife, failing my husband, and failing to be an example to others. I began to obsess about even the smallest things, and as a result my husband began to push me away. He couldn't figure out what was wrong and I was more concerned with fixing it "like a good wife should," than actually communicating with my husband. The error: having a fear of failing to be a stereotype.

As a mother. I will discuss my journey to motherhood on a later post, but one of the biggest stepping stones on my journey was dealing with the fear of failing as a mother. I'm not a mother but like most women I had to make a conscience decision to embark on the journey of motherhood. After my husband and I decided that we were going to have children, my mind was immediately filled with fear of failing to be a good mother. Will I give my child the love that he/she needs? Will I guide them in the right direction? Will I be a good mother? A part of me doubted this because of my general feelings about children. I'm not one of those people who loves kids. Actually I'm the person who will never volunteer to babysit and kids don't volunteer to come with me. I have had people say to me that they weren't sure if I should have kids. This fueled the fear so I had to choose. 
  
Faith: Faith that Failure is a Necessity to Achieving Success

I had to make a choice as a daughter, as a wife, and as a future mother. I had to realize that I can't be perfect and that there will be moments of imperfection. More importantly I had to have faith that failure is a necessity to achieving success, and that the measurement of success as a daughter, wife and mother would be based on my standards and not the standards of others.  

As I moved further along in my life, I had to choose whether I would succumb to the fear of failure or have faith in the process. Each time you fail you are supposed to learn a lesson from that failure, if you don't learn the lesson you will continue to go through the same exact failure. So I paused and I reflected. What was I missing? Faith in the process. I needed to fail, to strengthen  my faith, to strengthen my marriage and family, to strengthen my vision, and to strengthen my relationship with God. I needed to fail in order to learn not to trust on my own "logical assessment or understanding" but on the power of God.  The fear of failure stifled my growth.  So I chose faith. 

One of my favorite scriptures is 1 Corinthians 2:5 "That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the Power of God." I believe that the reference to "wisdom of men" includes yourself.  You may not see the path but you have the vision, so you have to have faith to achieve that vision and to not be sidetracked by fear.

I encourage you if you are facing the fear of failing to chose faith. If you fail, remember that failure is preparing you for something greater. Learn from those failures and keep moving forward.

"For with God nothing shall be impossible." Luke 1:37

Forever Fierce, Fabulous & Flawless

Tenisha
 

Several years ago I had a moment. A moment that sent me on emotional roller coaster. I had given up on life and I was prepared to throw in the towel. It was all too much and I couldn't find a way out. Yes I had always been a believer in the power of faith and God's will but I was fearful and didn't even realize it. I was living in fear and I was forced to make a choice. I could either choose to walk in faith or remain in despair.

I chose the title "Choosing Faith Over Fear" because honestly that is what saved me. There were several layers of my fear. Here's part one of my "Choosing Faith Over Fear" series that led to the life I have today.

Fear: Fear of Being Alone!

My relationships with my family and friends have always been extremely important to me, and I always have tried to make the ones I loved happy. It has always been my soft spot that somehow would shift my mood based on the conversation or situation. If I loved you, I would make it my personal mission to try to make you happy. I was the emotional dumpster for everyone and while they left the conversation feeling refreshed I carried the feelings around for days and sometimes weeks. I kept asking myself why was I so sensitive, why did I care so much? I had convinced myself that somehow if I could make them happy by listening to all of their problems, it would make their lives better, and in turn they would maintain a relationship with me. I felt like it was my assignment so I internalized their feelings of hurt, sadness and betrayal. They didn't want to hear my words of encouragement or realistic synopsis of the situation, no that would be too real, they wanted to just vent. I'm not saying it's something wrong with having someone that you can vent to however there is a point where you have to say "does this person deserve all of the baggage I'm leaving with them?" 

My fear of my family and friends not loving me or being upset with me for not listening to all of their problems was holding me back from living a happy life. I realized that it was self-imposed fear. No one told me that I had to be their emotional receptacle, that was a role that I chose. I always answered the phone no matter the hour, I always listened even when I felt that they were being unreasonable, and I never expressed my feelings about how their negative energy was affecting my life. We can all handle an occasional "today was horrible" but the daily "my life sucks," "everyone keeps doing (insert word here) to me," or the infamous "if it isn't one thing it's a another" is simply unbearable. Something had to change!

Faith: Having Faith that my Relationships Didn't Depend on my Unhappiness

One of my favorite scriptures is Mark 4:40 "And he said unto them, 'Why are ye so fearful? how is that ye have no faith?'" How could this be that I was so afraid of being happy. I thought my relationship, family and friends made me happy, and that if I altered those relationships in any way that I would lose everything. See I had the fear of loneliness. As I read this scripture more and more, I kept reflecting on the context of the words. Jesus instructed his Disciplines to get into a boat to go across to the other side and then they were in a furious storm. Jesus was sleeping as the Disciples feared for their lives. They asked Jesus if he cared if they drowned and Jesus responded with those words. See I feared I would drown if I lost those relationships but I had to realize that the ONLY relationship that mattered was my relationship with God! I realized that if my relationships were conditioned upon me being the negative filter then it was better to limit or eliminate that relationship from my life.

I learned to defuse negative energy by not answering my phone (this is still a work in progress), shifting the conversation to a more positive tone, and valuing my inner peace over being a listening ear. Faith eliminates fear, and in every other aspect of my life I have confident faith. I had always believed that it would work out in the end hence why it simply didn't make sense why I allowed fear to control me in this circumstance. That lack of logic caused for change.

I encourage you to choose faith. To eliminate fear and take a leap of faith in whatever is in your heart. If you are afraid of being lonely remember that God will never leave nor forsake you, and that if you have faith you can find your happiness. Remember, people are attracted to negative energy but the right people are attracted to positive influences.

Stay tuned for part 2 of my Choosing Faith Over Fear series.

Forever Fierce Fabulous & Flawless!

Tenisha